If we're speaking literally, I'm currently sitting at my internship bored out of my mind. Trying to understand Excel, in hopes that learning this skill will one day be of use to me. I hate numbers, I have no idea how I ended up here. Give me some research and I'll finesse my way into understanding what's going on. Give me numbers and I'm stuck looking dazed and confused trying to figure out why Arabs invented Algebra. I'm letting down my people as we speak.
So this summer, I imagined myself on beaches, on mountain tops and in caves, instead I'm stuck in an office with no walls, and a supervisor hovering over my shoulder. Don't get me wrong, the people here are nice enough, it's just not as I imagined my summer to go. How did I end up here instead of there? Well, you see, I'm in grad school. In some fatal attempt to understand my life, goals, and figure out a path, I willingly signed up for two years of mayhem. Two years that I'll never get back. I've met amazing people along the way, but I can't say that I don't think about quitting just about every other day. I end up not feeling as bad because a good number of my classmates actually feel the same way. They also, in an attempt to figure out life, have signed up two years of their life, in hopes of figuring it out along the way.
I've come to the conclusion that school is just a socially acceptable way to waste time, or postpone adulthood, or if you're lucky like ME, you're doing both at the same time! Want to drink till you're plastered on a Tuesday afternoon? That's unacceptable! You're a drunk! But when you're in school it's completely fine because "you're in college". Want to sleep till noon and ignore your responsibilities? How irresponsible! You're wasting your life! Step into a university and it is the norm. What is this "college" that we're speaking of? Sounds like a Narnia where real rules don't apply.
Honestly, when we're putting it this way, school sounds really great! You ignore responsibilities, party till you're worn out, and sleep all day! You probably eat a bunch of junk at odd hours and binge watch a lot of television. It really IS Narnia.
Except then you graduate and realize you're tens of thousands of dollars in debt with no real plan because you didn't take the time to utilize career services, and now they're trying to charge you for their services, even though they were just free like a week ago when you were enrolled (or was that a year ago?). Anyways, the bottom line is that there is no bottom line. This is just the reality folks. Can I get myself out of this rat race? Sure, but that means I would have to trust in myself and my abilities...
AND I'M SCARED. That's just the honest truth. I would love to quit college today, take all my savings that I have and travel the world, but I'm scared out of my mind. Scared of failure, scared of the unknown, scared of everything that might go wrong, scared I'll miss my family and friends, scared that it won't work out and I'll have wasted my life. But then I look around, and I see these people in their suits and briefcases, I see this building that I enter and this desk that I sit at, and it still feels like I'm wasting my life.
I don't know where I'm going, but I'm going to have to leave wherever I am pretty soon. If you feel the same way, stay tuned and maybe we can figure this out together!
Where are you, and where would you like to be? Let me know in the comments below!